House Hunt

It's like trying to shoot a sprightly gazelle. Actually, I've never tried to shoot a sprightly gazelle, so I don't know what that is like in reality. If I had, I'm sure it would be pretty much equivalent.

All houses merge into one average house, which has many added original features, extensive kitchen-bathroom, large external fireplace, off road lounge, converted loft garage, and recently refitted cellar garden. This monster, a mid-terraced detached garden flat, has a well presented front door, well proportioned textured ceiling, requiring complete re-modernisation, being completely restored.

Sounds fantastic. A snip at just £125,000 or we could offer £125, and hope they don't notice the missing ,000.Thats a lot of money. Whichever way you look at it, it's a lot of money. Why do we feel the need to spend all that money on a house? We live in a perfectly good house, which will cost lots less than a mortgage every month, and yet we want to live in our own little castle.

I think turrets would look good, actually. That's a great idea. Our home is now quite literally our castle. I'll employ some Portuguese cleaners to man the archer slit things. With bows and arrows. Drawbridge. It's a couple of planks of wood and a hinge with some chain, sounds like a front door really. Lay it on its side. Horses. Substitute for rabbits. Stables. Rabbit hutch, obviously. I'll have a couple of guinea pigs to walk around the moat, scaring off potential intruders, and acting as an early warning squeak system. If baddies do get through the daunting battlements (front wall, "with attractive wrought iron gate"), I'll scald them with hot water from the upstairs power shower. That'll teach 'em. If that fails, we'll nip down to the hutches, jump on our trusty bunny steeds and escape down the "useful rear access road, with potential for off road parking".

Just call me Sir Jono of 23 Peel Terrace.

Lets hope they accept our offer, I can't wait.