Do they even wear boxers?

It wasn't until I stepped up that I realised I'd put my boxers on back to front. The bloke next to me tried to start up a conversation: Alright? How's it going? Like he cares, he shouldn't be talking anyway, it's against all the rules of engagement. My reply is usually mumbled anyway, but the added confusion of an impenetrable cloth barrier meant that I didn't actually say any words, just a vague uncomfortable murmur of noises: Gablimeerraugh, yeh, flip, sytupoed, nuhbad. I stared at the corner of a tile and was silent.

Still my pride was restored. I was walking round the office, and everyone was saying hello to me, in increasingly animated ways. "Jono!". Hi Mike. "The Jonster!". Hmm. "Jono-o-o" (My very own football chant). Yeh, not bad. It was like being in a film, I was so excited, I even got an apprentice to join in. Andy, say hello to me. "What?" Just say hello to me. "Hi Jono". Hey there! Peow Peow went my hand pistols, blow the smoke off the tops, then return them to the hand holsters.

I am the dog.

The dog, with his boxers on back to front

Crash Bang Wallop

Don't worry about it, said John, It's just a little scratch.

Ok, said I, I'll carry on.

Next part onto the welding machine. Bleep. Bleep. Pop. Sparks! Ooh they look nice! They are hot though, and it looks like my glove has burned through. It shouldn't do that really. It makes my hand burn. Again.

Oh diddums! I exclaimed. That smarts somewhat.

Its not all bad though, I now have weeping sores where once was supple skin.

Ba da Bing

Thats the noise that msn makes when you get an email. Usually it's from some Viagra merchant (although apparently, its not Viagra, they are marketing Sildenafil (which is Viagra's generic name) or an alternative) or other ways of getting a bigger willy\boobs\both. Today however is different, as I sit bleary eyed in an apartment a block from Central Park, a lady called Louise emailed me to say I had bought a house. Well, thats a new one you might say. No! I reply, for you may not know this, but you don't have to be in the country to buy your first house. It does make for difficult communications, and a few moments waking up in a cold sweat, or going to sleep in a hot sweat, or just sweating, but it is possible.

So now, we do own a house, but none of our appendages are getting any bigger

Spinny roundy Head thing

So I'm on the subway right, in Times Square, and we are about to catch the train and we stop and there are these blokes with hats, and Michael Jackson is singing.  Then we watch in amazement as they perform an acrobatic thing and lie on the floor in funny shapes. They call it "break-dancing", its pretty fabulous. Click here if you wish to watch it.

Oh, I'm in New York by the way.

Sing lullaby

Went carol singing at an old peoples home yesterday evening. When I say old peoples home I mean, "An exclusive development of apartments for the over 55's". Sing a few carols and serve them some tea, and they would do anything for you.

There is something about carol services that bring out the naughty little boy in me. Singing the descant at the top of my voice, whispering and laughing at the "rude" words (virgin, breast, throng - that last one is top funny). Tried not to get the giggles when one old chap sung every line two bars behind and with a warble worthy of any ambulance siren. Dave read a reading, and got solitary applause from one lady. "Ooh, it's getting hot in here" said the minister, "So take off.." began Jono. He's flipping hilarious he is. Alan "Fingers" Bennet led us on the Casio in renditions of carols, sung from the same carol sheet as 50 years ago, with pictures of birds and trees from the Bible.

The old ones are always the best.

No, it's not always like this, is it?

Some days.

Toothache. Men who trim their sideburns above their ears. Foreigners with names that sound like swear words. Air-conditioning smelling like the bit between train carriages. When it works. Talk of yesterdays traffic. Foreigners swear word names shouted across the office. Confused looks from ladies talking about pregnancy. That man looks like Elvis. My phone spins much better on the desk when the keys are facing downwards. Left over buffet food. Big bit of gristle in a pork pie. Cleaner doesn't like hoovering because it's noisy. So is a carpet sweeper, and it's more annoying. I washed my cup today! First drink tasted of lavender washing up liquid. That's why I don't wash it up that often. Complaining. Does everyone complain about their job?

Bang!

A hit, a very palpable hit!

I got him right on the apex. He struggled for a bit now he's down. Next comes the hard part - the butchering.

This englishmans home will soon be a castle.