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So, I got back from falcon camp today. When I say “I got back”, I really mean “I’m at work”. Bit of a change really, putting kids to bed one minute, sitting in an office the next. I’m truly tired, can’t really focus on anything, and my feet are boiling hot. Just had a sausage, egg and mushroom bap as a reward for my exertions of the weekend, I figure I deserved that much at least. Feel a bit sick now. Outside the buzzer has just gone, and soon the presses will start up again. Duff. Duff. Duff. My end of the office has no natural light, the air conditioning is broken and a smell of oil and damp lingers in the air. The midlands accent is drifting across the office. It’s like being in a tent, I can’t hear any words, just a mish-mash of brummy. Phones are ringing. Ring. Ring. That’s an internal call, if it went ring-ring, it would be an external, and more than likely be completely ignored by everyone. That way we don’t get any extra work. I just read the office copy of the Sun. Brilliant. In the centre today are pictures of people who look like famous people. It was quite good, I particularly liked the Lionel Richie look-a-like. Well done Edward Scott of Essex, you have done well. Grow a bit more facial hair, say “Hello…” and you could be the real thing. My feet are really hot now, I’m going to take my shoes off. Laces…done. One shoe off. Other shoe off. I know the date is Tuesday 18th courtesy of a calendar from Brown + Holmes, Tamworth, which is, by the way an historic hatting town. If you need a hat, it’s a good place to go. Sam just gave me her calendar, which she doesn’t use. It’ll give me something to do in the morning, ripping off the previous days date. That’s a good thing. On this day in 1949, the Republic of Ireland Act came into force. Fascinating. “There are too many people, and too few human beings” That’s just silly. I have a box of oxo cubes on my desk. Beef. No-one knows why. If you want one let me know, I can send you one. I’m going to make me a drink, haven’t decided between tea and coffee yet. Got to put my shoes back on first, and tie the laces up. “Steve do you want a drink?” “No thanks mate” “Steve?” “ I will if you’re making one”. There are two Steves. “Do you want a drink Sam?” “ No thanks, mate” Just went to ask Rob and he said he wouldn’t mind a cup of tea. Steve is having a green tea. On my way past, Sam decided she would have fruit tea, and gave me her fruit-tea cup to put it in. I’m having earl grey. Just got to wait for the kettle to boil. It’s not boiling yet. The accountants have just left the conference room carrying calculators. With big buttons. Talking of hats, Steve brought our office travelling hat back in today. It’s a pink sun hat, and so far it’s been to France, Japan, China for about 6 months, and probably other places. They took the label that said “Serious Hat” off when it went to China, because of censorship. I used to wear it to make important announcements. “Your tea is ready” and the like. Feet are hot again. Shoes are off again. Anger. Anger, and hitting of bookcase. Threats of “shagging with a red hot poker”. Allegations of high horse riding. Cereal bowl clanging. It’s on the other side of the bookcase. Cereal bowl clangs again. Desk punched. Giggles from my side of the bookcase. Another desk punch. Smiles on my side, with a wry shake of the head. Novelty ring tone – a baby laughing. MD just gave us a tray of biscuits. Lunch time. I’ve lost my mug. Salad. Chicken, bacon, sweetcorn. Rob made me a cup of tea without being asked. I’ve got my mug back. Hot feet again, off come the shoes. Had a French sweet, from a Frenchman. Marzipan with icing, tasted a little like soap. Out for a glass of water. Water dispenser is also the coffee machine. It always dispenses half a cup too much. Have to know when to pull the cup out, and not get coffee residue on my hands. Good skills. Mike suggests I go to bed and sleep, because I look a state. Thanks Mike. “You look like Gary Glitter with that hairstyle”. What hairstyle? I have hair, but no style. No Mike, I don’t want to be in your gang, thanks anyway. Woman walks through the office, in office-wear. Excitement dies down after ten minutes. Email - something about Hensip Max strength, for bird flu. A new low. Fruit tea to drink, but I’m not a girl. Annoyed French man, it doesn’t get much better than this. Man walks into the office with plastic bags on his feet. 3 years after everyone else stopped using them he persists. The carpets dirtier than a dirty thing! Don’t bother! “He should have been an accountant” Good one, Mike. Carpets being cleaned! The most exciting thing all week! Carpet cleaners don’t have any hose pipe. Home time now, I’m going to go and sleep.

Don’t you hate it when people ask you what happened at work / school today, and you can’t think of anything?